I have had so many day zeros and I have been dreading starting this diet of mine. I think in my mind I may have postponed it by a few years plus some months, in actuality, I have postponed it by about a month after speaking with the people who I am starting this health journey with. In the meanwhile, I have excelled at overthinking, in creating and recreating the scenarios in which I fail miserably on my diet. I not only lack the confidence, I also lack the motivation to begin anything. All the failures of my past are coming back to me like it was yesterday. I am continuing to struggle with sleep while I ruminate these issues in my head. I think I lack the confidence to start and to upkeep the promise to lay off unhealthy food. I lack confidence alright. While all this postponement my sugar levels have risen to sky high limits (I probably should tell you the numbers - Its 315 Brrrr). I often recollect this article about an actress that died with sugar levels of 300 and I begin to dread an ending that is as undramatic and sudden as that. I am also at a 12.5 in HBA1C, which is way above anything normal.
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I think somewhere around 2021, I had started out walking and then some emotional drag after another had weaned me off it. I may have been depressed but I am not so sure right now. Kind of Kafkaesque I think, all these thoughts. I have been to many dark places in my head and I guess the two tiny sparks of light have been my children who are my raison d'etre. I think they are the one reason I want to fail again and again only to rise up successfully and see myself in new light.
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I also think about how in 2019 I was denied insurance because my weight was too high and so was my sugar. I think I didn’t feel so bad about it because between being trolled or looked down upon and being judged throughout my life, being denied an insurance cover wasn’t the lowest point for me. I think it was my unbearable vaginal itch that made me think for ways to get out of it. I got to know this from various doctors that I had yeast infection that was caused by diabetes. For the longest time I remember using my kid's diaper rash cream to be able to sleep. Slowly that stopped working too. It took me a year of that itch to make the decision to do something. This is where my journey starts!